Every marriage has its ups and downs. And you, perhaps, have already gone through a few crisis periods hand in hand with your partner. But this time seems totally different to you...
There are so many reasons that can cause thoughts of a breakup. What is the start point for taking them seriously?
It's not hard to guess that making such a decision can't be easy: the realization that you don't want to give your relationship a try is painful. According to psychologists, merely considering the separation ruins the inner balance and sometimes leads to emotional chaos! The continuous uncertainty, thinking back and forth: it's necessary to understand whether the pros outweigh the cons...
If you don't have someone you trust to discuss what is on your mind, deciding on divorce turns into an even more traumatic experience. Don't worry, though - we are here to help! And, above all, don't forget that no one should be dissatisfied or unhappy in marriage. Since two people, during the wedding ceremony, promised to be there for each other: on good days and on bad days. On the other hand, clearly, no relationship stays the same forever. This is perfectly okay to change over time. Still, what if the beloved one has turned into someone nasty? It is unacceptable, then. Especially when the quality of life and the mental suffering are a result.
In today's article, we are going to talk about unhappy marriages and ways out of them. After reading it, you will learn to distinguish between temporary marital crises and insurmountable problems. So, let's find out whether you can save your union - or separation would be advisable, instead.
10 signs your marriage may be over
Even married to the best woman in the world, you can't be around the clock on cloud nine. Once again: where there are ups, there are also downs - it's absolutely normal. However, the key to a functioning marriage is communication. This way, partners start complementing each other and solving all routine problems as a team. Without compromises and care, the fundament of a relationship cracks and falls into pieces. It makes permanent unhappiness arise in the union - this is a clear sign that your marriage is over. Because without the adequate reaction and joint search for the solution - discomfort sets in.
The only level of dissatisfaction that could be considered okay should be determined by your personal boundaries. Hardships don't have to be endured to a certain extent, so you can say goodbye with a clear conscience. You two must feel happy and comfortable in each other's company, responding to issues that periodically arise (which are perfectly prosaic). Grievance left unresolved in marriage for a long time is not normal, though.
Since you have found this article on the Internet, you may feel a change in your relationship. Now it's time to find out exactly where the shoe pinches. Here are the ten typical signs that you need a divorce. Who knows, maybe you recognize your state of things there...
Sign #1. Constant nagging
Understand us correctly: it's alright if you disagree with your wife about something. The crisis begins when your initial disapproval changes from mere disagreement about certain aspects of life to strictly person-centered criticism.
The longer you scold and belittle each other, the easier it will be for contempt to take root in your everyday communication. And this, for sure, can have fatal consequences in a marriage.
When you and your special lady start literally attacking each other, concentrating on all the wrong things in your couple - know that you are moving in a divorce direction. Ask yourself: why do you focus solely on her imperfections? Since when you do that, you start forgetting what is really important.
P.S. The nagging alone may not hint that your union is fated to be ruined. Still, it builds the path for developing more problems in the couple. And when criticism becomes a constant companion in your marriage, you open the door to the biggest killer of love: disdain. Whatever form it takes - this feeling is always toxic to a relationship because it expresses dislike
Sign #2. Respect has turned into something inappropriate
When is it time to get a divorce, you ask? Well, the countdown could be started from the point where you and your wife start using foul language in your communication.
Mutual respect is the basis on which every relationship should be built. As soon as you or your woman lose it, the marriage will begin to fall apart. It will make you consider insults, biting words, and sarcasm addressed to her as a work of art. As you might guess, this is not okay to feel this way to the beloved lady.
Remember: the subconscious does not produce any harsh statements for no reason. Such remarks point to an existing, unresolved conflict instead. The one which has already integrated the bitter notes into your daily talks. This definitely only makes things worse.
When you despise your partner, there is no way back to normality. Experience has shown that disrespect is the most significant predictor of divorce. It is always toxic to a relationship. If you don't control it, it will destroy your marriage. That's it.
Sign #3. You don't talk anymore
First and foremost, not everyone talks a lot in the relationship, and it's okay. Generally, women tend to express their emotions through words more than men - while introverts are typically less talkative than extroverts. No guide could set clear limits of normality in communication between partners. Anyway, when one person in marriage completely refuses to chat with the other one - it's undoubtedly a bad sign.
By building invisible walls in communication, you (deep inside) realize that you shut down and block off your wife. In fact, this strategy is very often used by men. So no wonder you decide not to let anything out and nothing more in when feeling hurt. Unfortunately, such behavior is one of the most apparent hints of the how-to-know-to-divorce action plan. Silence is a kind of poison for love.
We guess it's necessary to explain why walling up is so bad. Psychologists consider it self-protection from criticism, accusations, and insults. When, for example, your wife starts blaming you for something - you defend yourself. But after being attacked too much and too long, you simply stop reacting and prefer ignoring her. And vice versa.
You shouldn't forget that your speechlessness makes the partner even more aggressive. While your only wish will be to talk even less with her. And it goes on and on until the couple stops communicating at all. This, in its turn, leads to more arguments, mistrust, and disrespect.
Sign #4. At least one of you two has an affair
Contrary to popular belief, marriages can survive an affair. However, it's impossible to save the family when it comes to a romance that doesn't want to be ended.
Most people think - an affair can be defined as having sex with someone who is not your spouse. This interpretation based only on physical matters misses the point, though. The essence of this deed is different: it's treason - a breach of trust. How is it possible to hope for improvement in such a situation?
When your wife refuses to end the affair, she is literally saying that her new boyfriend is more important than the marriage. The same goes for similar behavior of yours.
We know that of the many possible signs you need to divorce - this one is the hardest to endure. Does it mean you need to call your lawyer right now? It's a controversial question because some experts advise a temporary separation instead. This can provide more clarity and, maybe, necessary motivation to make a final decision.
Sign #5. Your relationship is abusive
Did you know that one in six men and one out of four women worldwide are victims of domestic abuse? That's why we need to devote time to this topic today. So, is this marriage over, you ask? We have an answer for you: any sort of mistreatment clearly indicates an unsuccessful end of the relationship.
It must be mentioned that emotional or financial abuse is not as obvious as a physical one. But it doesn't mean such ill-treat hurts less.
If your partner is always yelling at you, putting you down, and making you feel like crap, that's a big sign your marriage is in trouble! Both then either need to get professional help or start contemplating divorce.
The most neglected type of abuse is a financial one. There are two types of it: direct (meaning your spouse controls all money) and indirect (your partner gambles away everything you have). Both are toxic for marriage
.Simply said, if your spouse is abusive and refuses to change, that is a clear sign that you need a divorce. The same goes for you too.
Sign #6. Life without the spouse seems fabulous
Everyone married for a long time has occasionally wondered what life would be like without their spouse. It's nothing wrong with humans thinking about something unreal, though. The danger is hidden in the frequency of these mental processes since it's one of the signs your marriage is over. Do we need to explain that happily married people don't spend time thinking about divorce?
Sure, many of us hold the false belief that the grass is greener in our neighbor's yard. Still, frequent thoughts of separation or constructing complex fantasies about what life as a single might be like is a clear sign that your relationship is in trouble. If you've gone so far as to have an escape strategy already ready - well... That's definitely the reason to have a serious conversation with the partner.
Sign #7. Blame game
A happy marriage requires good communication. But you can't have it if you or your wife use the blame game instead. So, how do you know that your marriage is over? Apparently, when you two merely point out each other's failures.
When you begin blaming your wife for something, it is natural for her to become angry and defensive. She may then start accusing you as well. Soon enough, both of you debate about what the other person is wrong with rather than discussing the real problem. In such a case, your couple chooses the way of concentrating on quarrels. Neither one of you listens to the other. And, without a doubt, just yelling at each other isn't productive.
P.S. Of course, not every conversation you and your woman have is peaceful and smooth. It's okay to blame her (rightly or wrongly) when you are angry. But never let it become the essential tool in all your talks.
Sign #8. No physical contact
Wondering how to know when to get divorced, you shouldn't forget that sex is a fundamental part of marriage. It's what makes a romantic relationship different from a friendship. Thus, if you and your wife no longer get intimate - that's the cause to worry.
On the other hand, physical contact has many sides: touching, hugging, and kissing belong to them. Showing affection in this way is necessary to be emotionally and physically healthy. It doesn't have to be super sexual, though: conscious touches on the forearm and shoulder, holding hands, cuddling - everything counts.
One thing is certain - divorce is unavoidable if you and your woman haven't touched each other for years.
Sign #9. You are not happy
No one can be cheerful all the time. Although we all want to have as many long-lasting moments of happiness as possible. That's why one of the signs that you should get a divorce includes this aspect.
If you can't remember the last time you were merry after the wedding day - Houston, we have a problem. It's much worse when your unhappiness has turned into a feeling of anxiety or depression.
In case you realize that you are constantly ill or blue (and you didn't tend to feel this way before marriage), this is a hint that something is wrong in your life. Anyway, it shouldn't surely be the official diagnosis. If you can't remember the last time you laughed or had fun with your wife, it's a sign that your marriage is in trouble.
Ultimately, you can only change your own behavior. With the help of therapy, it may be possible to look behind the mask and then perhaps also be able to share with the beloved one your expectations, wishes, etc. With time, effort, and a good marriage counselor, you and your spouse can move from these negative starting matters to more positive values and outcomes. But only if you decide to work on your family issues together...
Sign #10. One of you two is not willing to work on this marriage
There is a wise saying: it takes two to tango. Do you know what we are trying to say here?
Just like in this famous dance style, two people need to participate in resolving daily issues to make the marriage go on. No matter how long you are together - that defines every relationship. How do you know it's time to divorce? If you want to work on your union but your spouse doesn't - that's probably the time to say goodbye.
Of course, indeed, working on your character will change your marriage. For example, if you've always had a problem with your temper and now visit anti-aggression classes to learn to control it better - great. This knowledge may help you two to have calmer discussions. But if your spouse doesn't care about anything, then it doesn't matter either...
What to do if it’s over?
Ending a relationship is never easy. Especially if you are already married and have spent many years together, then the children are probably involved too. But if you feel that it's the right thing to do, why do you need to fall into the abyss of the crises even deeper? The fact you both will be happier separately should help you not to hesitate any longer. Wait, what do you need to do? Below are the best options.
Couples therapy
Are you unhappy with each other, but the words "separation" and "divorce" trigger a weird feeling in your stomach? Then, try couples therapy first. The expert can discuss with you and your wife whether there is a chance to right the wrongs or if a breakup is inevitable. Anyway, getting tips from a professional psychologist won't hurt.
Sort yourself out
Find the answer yourself: are you sure that you really want this? Emotions can sometimes be strong, but once the word "separation" has been mentioned, there is hardly any going back. Because once your partner has heard that you have such thoughts, she will definitely have to try hard to get back to normality if you change your mind. Therefore, sort yourself out before doing anything you will regret.
Be sincere
Take your time for a sincere conversation. It doesn't matter who was the initiator of these radical changes. The point is - you both need to agree that a divorce would be the best alternative. So you should talk, for sure: what are the triggers for the breakup? This will help both of you to accept the current state of things and build a happy relationship in the future.
Deal openly with each other
Especially if you and your woman are parents - it's crucial to part on good terms. Thus, deal openly with each other, and let your ex speak out. It's important to accept criticism and suggestions. After all the time together, anything else would be a shame, don't you think so?
How to start a new life?
You probably wonder: whether the decision to go separate ways was the only right. At this point, we must remind you that you and your wife have tried to save the marriage and agreed to end it with divorce. For sure, it's hard to accept that a relationship meant to last forever is falling apart. The wedding photos from the day you were so happy are invariably traumatic. And it's okay for you to get sentimental.
Still, it's time to accept that your marriage is over. It doesn't matter whether your relationship lasted two years or twenty: you are leaving a phase of life that has made you who you are behind. The fact that you have drawn a line is also an opportunity for a new beginning.
Just imagine: you will be moving into an apartment that you furnish and decorate to your liking. You can even decide to relocate to another city or emigrate: nothing can stop you! Also, you now have a lot of time for yourself again. Rediscover your personality and fall in love with yourself one more time! Try a hobby you've been dreaming of for a long time. How about skydiving or a language course? Go to the mall and dare to have a completely new style (consultants are always glad to help). Or, just hang out with your friends more.
No less important is to keep your eyes open for girls. You can experience flirting and eventually fall in love. Do you remember how good it feels to be wanted by someone romantically? Obviously, you cannot imagine another woman by your side right now. But trust us, after a while of exciting rendezvous, you will be glad your marriage was over! And who knows, maybe you and your ex-wife can become good friends.
FAQ
What happens if one person doesn’t want a divorce?
If one of the spouses unequivocally refuses to restore the marriage and is under no circumstances willing to continue the relationship - it's not a problem. Government has a plan for such a situation. The court then shall pronounce the divorce even if the other representative of the union does not give their permission. So, it's critical to realize - the law does not require the consent of the wife/husband to divorce.
Rather the opposite: marriage is to be dissolved at the request of one spouse. However, from country to country, distinct conditions should be met to proceed with it.
Is it normal to feel like you want a divorce?
All experts are united in the opinion that it's absolutely normal to feel like you want a divorce. Your future is in your hands: be wise enough to make it bright.
Can a divorce be denied?
In general - in many countries, it is perfectly permissible in family law for one of the partners to reject a divorce application that has been submitted.
Still, this does not mean that this will never happen if one of the parties does not want to break up. According to common practice, after a certain period of time, the spouse who wants to divorce may hope to get all necessary papers despite the refusal. After all - usually, after three or more years of separation, it can be assumed that the marriage has irrevocably broken down. So there is no longer a chance of getting back together.
Can my wife take everything in a divorce?
Yes, it's possible. So you either will have to get the best attorney in the city or initiate an airtight prenuptial agreement in advance.
Can I say no to a divorce?
As we have already mentioned - yes, you can. But what is the point of denying a divorce? It is, of course, your personal decision... Still: do you really want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be with you?
Who has to leave the house in a divorce?
According to the law, none of the former spouses can simply throw out the other from the shared house. This even applies if a wife or a husband is the sole tenant or sole owner of the apartment. It is to say, this issue should be resolved in a civilized manner.
Only in the case of domestic violence can one partner ask the other to leave or have the police throw them out. Since it's a question of health: mental and physical. However, this violence must have happened very recently and not weeks ago.
Can I kick my wife out if I own the house?
No, as we have already stated - no one from the spouses can be just kicked out after the divorce.
