Sometimes you can't even explain how that happened - but the only logical course out of the relationship crisis seems to be to part ways with your girlfriend. Without a doubt, with time, when looking back and analyzing events, it is easier to understand why a separation was necessary. Since, in fact, in many cases, a breakup is liberating - a valuable and awfully challenging life lesson...
No matter what you have heard: regardless of whether you decide to end a romance or your lady, it hurts anyway. Yes, being left and leaving someone often brings the same emotions. We talk about guilt, grief, and despair.
Actually, the topic of separation (as well as everything that goes with it) is complex and massive. It's, therefore, hard to deal with this on your own.
First and foremost, it's absolutely okay that you now have a few questions in your head. Among subjects that bother you are clearly these: how to feel better after a breakup? Does it take long to overcome this? Is it really possible to get back to normal life one day? The good news is - processing a separation works very well if you know what to do. We asked professional psychologists to give their recommendations, and here they are. We sincerely hope that after reading this article - you'll start feeling at least a bit better.
How to feel better after a breakup?
It might have been announced for a while or just appeared out of the blue. It does not matter how well or poorly you are prepared for it - the fact your relationship ended turns your usual life upside down. So it's hardly surprising that a breakup is accompanied by quite a lot of emotional chaos: gloom, anger, pain, and much more. However, psychologists think it's good that people don't accept the end of a romance completely indifferently. Because, in their opinion, all these feelings are crucial to getting over this horrible situation as soon as possible.
But why is a breakup painful, both mentally and physically? We need to discuss it to make you feel better, dear friend.
When you leave the person associated with love and support behind, your brain starts taking this occasion as emotional injury. You shouldn't necessarily still adore your ex, though. Your unconscious simply screams from fear of change. Breakup sadness comes because you literally ruin a part of your life - it wasn't a part of the plan. You don't need to be a psychologist to realize that it's an immense stress for your psyche. So don't wonder why this reflects in clear symptoms on a physical level. It is not for nothing that lovesickness is technically correctly referred to as post-traumatic stress reaction, which is even recognized as a diagnosis. The pain, therefore, is a totally natural reaction. After all, something that meant a lot is being taken away from you...
Okay, how to feel better after a breakup, then?
You must learn to deal with your feelings and the pain - gradually accept them. That is easier said than done, we know. Especially in the initial period after a separation, when you experience a roller coaster ride of emotions. The best thing you can do here is to sort them out so that you can start dealing with the new situation. Be prepared to go through several stages, though. The most famous model of separation overcoming includes five phases: denial, anger, negotiation, depression, and acceptance. It was created to describe the grieving process of a close relative's death, by the way. But time has shown - this model applies to all possible forms of sorrow.
Nevertheless, you need to experience all five of the above mentioned phases to get back to normal. Although, in addition, men often go through a short and intense period of grief after a breakup. If this is the case, don't make a common mistake, trying to hide your feelings from those around you. Remember: suppressing emotions means that you skip certain stages of separation overcoming. Obsession with sport or throwing yourself into your job is just equally short-sighted as entering into a new relationship shortly after parting. Not to repeat mistakes from a previous romance, give yourself enough time to properly process the breakup. Trust us - this will have an outstanding impact on your future!
What to do after a breakup?
We hope psychologists didn't scare you with all these emotions and phases you must go through. The good news is that you don't have to sit quietly and wait for it all to pass. It's clear that every separation is painful and upsetting, but you are never forced to postpone escaping melancholy and grief. Rather the opposite - when talking about how to get over a breakup, it's recommended to be proactive. Bear in mind: that bystanders always need more time to recover than active participants in the process!
Thus, we bring to your attention a few tips that are known to be beneficial. Especially in the case of separation despite love, it helps to focus more on yourself to digest the loss of a partner. Okay, that's what you need to do:
#1. Keep calm and carry on
Immediately after a separation, it is usually unimaginable to come out of the so-called valley of tears and try to be happy again. Especially if it's the first time in your life that you are attracted so much to a person. No wonder you now read various articles about breakups and how to deal with them. Still, no matter how deep the abyss in your soul is - everything will be fine again - the probability is no less than 100%!
For this reason, the fundamental advice here is: keep calm and carry on. Accomplish your routine tasks, but don't push your feelings and thoughts away. The more freedom you give yourself - the faster you get through parting.
Understand us correctly - we don't suggest you stop doing fun things and concentrate merely on something boring. Looking for distractions is one of the best ways to get over a breakup. It's okay that you need some joy.
Expert tip: try activities that were impossible with your ex-partner. It could be, for example, dance classes, partying, watching movies of a certain genre, or a trip to Southeast Asia! What you choose is only up to you.
#2. Accept your new status
It's time to accept that you are single now. Not tomorrow, on the day over tomorrow, or next month - today! After all, how to deal with a breakup if you don't take it seriously?
Of course, that can't be done with a snap of the fingers - no one asks you to be that fast. But the more often the thought, "It is how it is and I try to accept that," comes up and takes roots - the better. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid this process...
Psychologists find it helps to think that you haven't lost your life partner, but rather it turned out that this person is not your soulmate. Because if she really were, she would still be there with you. You should also live out the disappointment and sadness at this point. Don't be upset, though - you are on the right path.
#3. Get help from professionals
Sure, help with breaking up from friends and relatives is crucial - but it's not enough. In fact, sometimes suggestions from mates make things only worse. Experience has shown that their typical phrases sound like, "Cheer up, you'll be fine" or "Wake up and don't be so stupid, she doesn't deserve you!"
Thus, it makes sense to seek advice from professionals. Whether reading a separation guide, doing an online course on processing this stage of your life, or looking for a breakup coach/therapist - all options are good. Getting this support shows strength: you take yourself and your emotional state seriously - and are interested in the lasting improvement of your mental health.
But who said you should avoid your buddies? It's important to have them for comfort and support. Together with the sessions with the therapist will keep you away from the trap of separation pain.
#4. Move your body
Don't laugh - it is one of the things to do after breaking up with your girlfriend. Your body plays an essential role in processing all feelings (notwithstanding, this aspect is often underestimated). Emotions are kind of stored inside you. That's why many idioms are based on it. We mean having a lump in the throat, getting a punch in the gut, and so on. So - don't be lazy and start moving your body!
What can you do, then? Perfect alternatives are going for a walk, hiking, cleaning your apartment, turning on the loudspeakers and jumping wildly through the house, and dancing. Simply follow your body impulses - it knows better than the head what is better. Another pleasant bonus here is that you strengthen your health.
Okay-okay, lying on the sofa is also good sometimes. Still, don't let it become your favorite free time activity.
#5. Write a separation diary or letters to your ex
How to get over a breakup if you don't work out your emotional state? Exactly - it's impossible. That's why it's offered by famous psychologists that you describe your views and feelings or whatever is bothering you in letters or a diary. Do we need to mention that no one should read it, primarily your ex-girlfriend? Although you need to formulate the text as if you are addressing directly to her, by the way.
In this way, you can disperse all bad thoughts and sorrow. Merely give this task 30 minutes a day - and you will cope with the breakup faster and more smoothly.
Why don't you begin right away, then? Write down everything that comes to mind concerning your current situation. If you don't know what to start with, here are a few examples:
- I miss you because...
- I'm angry with you for...
- I am sad 'cause...
- I am grateful for...
#6. Say goodbye
After a while of being separated from your partner, it's good to say goodbye internally. You need to say hasta la vista to the idea that the romantic relationship can be started over again. It's the only way - how to get through a breakup even if you still love this woman.
There is no time for frustration, though. No one can take away from you everything you and your lady have experienced together. Yes, you have given your love - but you have also received her adoration in return. Also, when your heart is ready - a new, even brighter sensation can happen to you. Just let it come into your life!
P.S. There is no need to arrange a meeting with your ex to say goodbye. The inner commitment is more than enough.
#7. Thankfulness
This one from tips for breakups applies only to those who have overcome the initial pain. If you have coped with the worst time after the relationship ended - you are right here.
We understand that it's needed to step over the rest of the bitterness you have inside. However, what stops you from being grateful for all the beautiful moments you had together? For the love and care you received from your former girlfriend and the devotion you were allowed to give to your dear person? Gratitude is the only thing that doesn't bind you to your ex-partner.
If it's just a few weeks since you have been single - don't even force yourself to be thankful. As a rule, it only comes after months or years of separation.
#8. Taking responsibility or not is up to you
Generally, the person's self-esteem level plummets immediately after a breakup. Then, how to get through a breakup without fetching self-doubt and blaming?
It's clear that whatever the reason for the separation is - two parties are involved. Both of you are evenly guilty - no one is an innocent victim of the situation. Getting a realistic view of it can help us to process the breakup better and more sustainably.
Sure, you can take all the responsibility and feel bad about yourself. Or - give it partly to your woman. The good thing is that you have full power and control over this decision. Also, you can decide how long you want to remain humiliated and disrespected. Just so you know: your ex is not responsible for how you feel now - it's only your job.
What NOT to do after a breakup
Alright, you now know what you need to do after parting. However, we don't live in the perfect world, so various pitfalls may be discovered on the way from one phase to another. And we don't talk about time now: for some, it takes longer. While others manage to overcome separation pretty quickly.
What can go wrong, then? Oh, many things, in particular - if you have decided to remain friends with your ex. Many mines and dead ends can lurk in the lovesick labyrinth. If you are not careful enough, this trivial experience can become a never-ending story that will drag on forever. So what mistakes should you avoid?
#1. Spying on your former girlfriend on social networks
The days of taxi chases and loitering on the apartment's door are long gone. Today, those dealing with a breakup prefer shadowing their ex via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Co. It's easy to understand: spying on someone from the comfort of your own home is exciting and not hard to arrange.
Still, before letting yourself be tempted by digital stalking, consider its darker downside. When your heart suffers, you can spend days and nights checking your former girlfriend's TickTock account for updates. The extent of the problem is often underestimated.
Usually, it starts from the almost innocent, "Aha, she is at Tim's Birthday party right now." With time, however, the questions in your head will revolutionize into, "Who the hell is this guy?"
Instagram makes it easy to figure out where your woman is, what she does, and with whom. But, at the same time, social networks make it difficult to let go, to stop thinking about her.
In addition, the step from "I'll see what she's doing." to a desperate obsession is fluid. So do yourself a favor and let the breakup go. This is the only way you can be born again like a phoenix.
#2. Becoming fuck buddies
Paradoxically, this mistake is a pretty commonly seen one. So imagine: you and your girlfriend just broke up. Obviously, something went wrong in your relationship and communication, but general problems do not apply to sex. Moreover, in this area of life - your separation seems a real loss. And here you go: for some reason, although you and your ex decide that you don't want to be a couple anymore, intimacy can't be given up under no circumstances. Thus, you continue to meet from time to time for matters of physical pleasure.
And... say hello to depression. After a short period of fun (who would have thought it?), one of you two realizes that it's not enough. Either you or your lady will try to help your love find its way back. This turn of events won't do any good. Therefore, let's be honest: such stories work quite well in the cinema. There is no chance you two can be happy choosing this scenario.
#3. Remaining friends
Probably everyone, when breaking up, has already heard a phrase like this, "Hey, I really like you as a person and appreciate what you have done to our relationship. Sorry, it didn't work out for us, let's stay friends!"
At that moment, many people begin a torturous thinking process. Of course, in many cases, they don't want to lose the special one and decide they can handle it. However, deep inside, they hope to act buddy first and then get their way back to great love.
It's such a shame this situation is what you have to go through... Whether you like it or not, it will be heartbreaking in the long run. When you keep waiting for a perfect point of time to start acting, there is a chance it will be too late. Or what if your ex is just holding you back with this endless maybe? Then, remember: if there is no clear yes - it's automatically no.
#4. Waiting for a revenge
Everyone who makes this mistake has got stuck somewhere in the second phase of the grief process and is now planning revenge. It is customary for really disgusting breakups when the person was miserably betrayed or even bullied afterward.
We know - being abandoned hurts; being laughed at by someone you once loved with all your heart is no less painful. Still, that's no reason to crawl out of the depths of purgatory like a vengeful demon and yell "Vendettaaa!" for hours. It's clear that nowadays - you have plenty of options for revenge. Everything is possible: from posting your ex-girlfriend's naked photos on the Web - to going on a date with her best friend. But why do you need to waste your precious time on such stupid things? She is lost forever. Use your energy on a new happy life instead.
What if you and your ex had lived together?
How to get over breaking up with your girlfriend if you live together? Well, it can be complicated...
While the rental contract is easy to terminate, the notice period (which usually takes at least three months) shouldn't be forgotten. For sure, it can seem eternal during the initial separation phases. Or, you can discuss this topic with your ex and decide who is moving out of the apartment - there shouldn't definitely be both of you.
If two of you are mentioned in the rental contract, and someone wants to leave - it's okay. You can ask the landlord to remove this person's name from the document (but only when the other party agrees). In case the owner wasn't informed, the partner who has moved out must continue paying part of the rent. Likewise, the sole termination of a joint contract is not possible.
Of course, you can't halt the contract for the apartment at short notice. For example, even for financial reasons, it is not always doable. Therefore, dealing with probable further living together should be discussed in a calm conversation in detail. For instance, your flat could be divided into personal areas, notwithstanding the kitchen and bathroom are in general use. It is also crucial to talk about finances: what kind of things you buy for yourself only and what are commons.
What if you and your ex-girlfriend have a lot of mutual friends?
Especially in long-term relationships and marriage, people often become very attached to the shared circle of friends. Is this the case for you too?
Then for sure, it doesn't consist just of the old friends you have initially brought. These are also new men and women you've got to know, together with your former girlfriend. And don't forget her mates, with whom you've become more or less good buddies over time.
Okay, what happens after the breakup?
Once it has occurred, your friends won't be able to ignore this fact. So don't count on communication as nothing has changed. Rather the opposite - your job is to figure out whom of all your contacts you can still rely on. Without a doubt, you should forget about your ex-partner's friends. You might have been a nice guy to hang out with for them, but when choosing the sides - you hardly have a chance.
It gets more complicated with real mutual mates. At least they are not the best choice to scold your ex with if you want to be sure that your words won't be passed on. Perhaps, she presses on them in one way or another. Conversely, they can also be good advisors because they know your couple well - and can assess the situation more neutrally than your relatives.
Nevertheless, it is advisable to keep a little distance from the shared circle of friends during the initial separation phase. Don’t misunderstand us: we don't ask you to suspend your license for friendship. Once you've gotten out of the worst part and the pain is over, you can intensify the communication again. By the way, it will give you a chance to realize how much these people really cared about you.
Are you thinking about a new relationship?
You already know how to get over a long-term relationship. But what if your main desire now is to start a new romance?
In this case, the most constructive recommendation is to dot the i's and cross the t's with the former partner completely and irrevocably. It's possible to shape your new relationship optimally if you have processed your failed one. Yes, it won't be easy, but you should do everything imaginable to ensure you do not carry the problems from your former love affair. Otherwise, you risk making your next romance fragile simply because you have failed or are currently coming to terms with the past.
Expert tip. You need to come to a mutual agreement with your ex-partner concerning separation. If possible, refrain from wanting to argue about any consequences of the breakup and settle the dispute in court regarding financial issues. Do everything you can to guarantee your parting is amicable. Remember: this experience is very stressful for both of you.
FAQ
What should I do immediately after a breakup?
What do you usually do when the world collapses on you? Exactly - you look for a safe place and wait until it's over. The "Duck and Cover" method has at least helped the Americans to cope with the fear of nuclear explosions - well, more or less. Why shouldn't it work for separation, then?
Strategic retreat and isolation tactics are actually normal human behavior, whether it's a real, physical threat or an emotional one. Still, don't forget to obtain all kinds of temporary support you can get: from relatives, friends, and professionals.
How do I know if my breakup is final?
It is well known that hope dies last. If you hang on to this expectation, you risk getting stuck in this idea and wait, wait, wait...
Once you have broken up, the probability of getting back together is pretty low. You just start going separate ways, and it's okay! The willingness to return to old life is decreasing day by day. And, clearly, you will sooner or later find yourself at the moment where there is no return.
Therefore, we are trying to say - you should rather accept a terrifying ending than indulge in an endless terror. The second alternative involves constantly dealing with separation issues and blocking yourself emotionally from realizing life is passing by.
Who hurts more after a breakup?
According to psychologists, both partners experience equal stress levels when breaking up. The one who decides on such a step feels mostly guilt, while the victim - helplessness and sorrow.
How long does it take to feel better after a breakup?
There isn't a specific week, month, year, or general time that says - now the separation's pain is over. On the contrary, it depends on you as a person.
Among other things, it concerns whether you are the one who is leaving - or who is being left. Congratulations if you belong to the first category since it will be easier for you.
Also, when you have inherently high self-esteem, you can process a breakup more quickly. It also leads to faster readiness for a new relationship or even creating a family with someone.
On the other hand, if you believe that your ex-girlfriend is your soulmate and that you will never meet anyone else, you will need much more time to process the breakup.
